My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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