ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
