it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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