I wish my penis had an off switch
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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