I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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