Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
