i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Randomize