walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
