Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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