Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
