I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
