just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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