theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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