My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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