my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
