you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
