i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
