happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
