she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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