i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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