New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
