is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
