sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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