Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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