it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize