hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
