a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
