I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
