I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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