I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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