I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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