I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
