Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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