i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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