Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
