You're my little dorito
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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