kristin has been a bad kristin
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
