Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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