PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
