How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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