...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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