im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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