I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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