I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
