the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
We need to get me chipped asap
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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