I'm lost and stupid without you.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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