There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
