Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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