You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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