He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
