Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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