He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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