Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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