So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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