be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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