Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
