So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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