I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
