It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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