you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
