Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
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