im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
