if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
