My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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