I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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