tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
