i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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