If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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