There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
