I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
