I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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