Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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