Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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