I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
