life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
